2 kicks to the sack

So, I am literally about to go have a vasectomy ( seriously….I have 5 kids man, it needs to stop), but seeing that I am obsessed with fantasy football I figured I should check all my teams. First thing I notice is that Franky Blanks is 2-2? WTF, I was 3-1. No Son, you are not. Apparently they deducted 5 points from somewhere and now I am just another Schlub at 2-2. All that ribbing I gave clap for sitting Cameron was for not. He was rubber and I was glue. This type of demoralizing loss can end seasons, but not Franky Blanks. I am going to take 2 shots to the balls today and shrug it off like its nothing. Franky Blanks is shooting blanks from here on out fellas. I hope that is not some type of metaphor for my fantasy season, but its not off to a good start. Foiled by Daytrippers again.

Week 3 Rankings and Awards

Shula Award: Nipples for Days. Quite frankly, he is the only one that deserves it because he is the only team that has among the leaders in total points and wins.

Kotite Award: Team Beatdown. Really, it should be Daytrippers for totally blowing it when they sat Cameron Jordon……but if you don’t set a lineup, that is probably a little worse from a coaching standpoint.

For those that disagree with my rankings, feel free to comment as to why, or, even better, post your rankings and thoughts behind each. This forum is for all teams.

1.Nipples for Days (3-1): I don’t know how he’s doing it folks. His entire receiving core and d-line combine for 16 total points and he still gets the W and maintains the XX highest point total, only trailing the Frozen Tundra. How’d he win? His entire LB core produced big games, Deangelo Hall got ANOTHER interception, AP is AP and Stafford is stat monger. Oh, and Team Beatdown missed the bus, putting up an embarrassing 266 points after almost failing to set a lineup….more on that later. For now, Nipples for Days gets the top notch for his 3-1 record combined with his high point totals. I hope this ranking isn’t the EF kiss of death, as each of the previous top ranked players fell the next week. We’ll see if NFD can handle the pressure.
2.Frozen Tundra (2-2): ranked # 2 despite 2-2 record, due to his consistent high point totals and let’s be honest, he is getting the benefit of the doubt for being a former 2-time EF champ. He needs to start getting more wins to match his points or his rankings will fall. At the end of the day, points are nice, but W’s is what counts. QB will remain a concern but as long as Julio and Shady keep lighting up the scoreboard it will not matter. I also have to note the strength of his OL, despite not drafting them heavily in the veteran draft. Veteran moves like that will keep this team in the chase all year long.
3.Husky Humpers (3-1): Yeah, he is 3-1 but winning with a total score of 389 points is nothing to write to Mom about. Regardless, they thrusted their way to the 3rd win of the season, despite losing Reggie Bush and putting up 3 goose eggs. Had he put in a stronger performance he may have been ranked in the top 2…..but not if he doesn’t bench his kicker that has been hurt since week one. He has totaled negative 3 points from the Kicker position all year.
4.Tampanians (2-2): I am officially requesting he change his name to ‘Team Schizophrenia’ or ‘Box Of Chocolates’ because you never know what you are going to get with this team. There is no doubt they can put up huge points in every given week, but when the playoffs come around and consistency is the currency of Champion, you have to wonder if this team will be able to string together consistent efforts when it matters most. With an aging receiver core, this team needs to win soon. Justin Houston is ridiculous….absolutely. Ridiculous. Injuries to Vernon Davis and Cam Wake will test the Tampanians depth in coming weeks. He also called a lesbian working at the McDonalds drive thru a Dude this week. It doesn’t count towards the rankings, but it’s got to count for something.
5.Franky Blanks (3-1): Won the close call of the week, surpassing Daytrippers on the last first down of the Denver game, when Demaryius Thomas caught a seemingly inconspicuous pass for 9 yards…however, this catch put Thomas at 10 catches for the evening granting him 3 bonus points, which proved to be the margin of victory. He owes Daytrippers a beer for sitting Cameron, which proved to be the difference in the game. This team probably should be ranked lower based on total points, but they play the games for a reason, and Franky Blanks is finding a way to win.
6.Daytrippers (2-2): All I know is that when I looked at the starting lineups on Wednesday, Daytrippers had Jordan Cameron in the lineup along with Jimmy Graham, sporting the top 2 TEs in the league. At some point in time he outthought himself in replace Cameron and his eventual 3 touchdowns with Julian Edelman. When you check the box score and see that he lost by 3 points, this roster move was clearly the difference between 2-2 and 3-1. He would have received the Kotite Award for that decision had Beatdown not totally dropped the ball and forget to set a lineup. After a strong start, Clapp has to be extremely concerned about the play he is getting at the QB and RB positions, due to the recent performances ( or lack thereof) of Colin and CJ. As long he has Graham, Cameron and Calvin, he will be in every contest.
7.Hellbenders (2-2): Team See Saw watched his record go in the opposite direction again, leaving us to wonder who the real Hellbenders are. Are they the team that put up 550 in week 2, or the team we saw in weeks 1 and 3 that have a terrible running game and linebacking core, despite spending early picks on those positions. The Hellbenders needs David Wilson to bust out the stick ‘em and Daryl Washington to lay off the roids and get back on the field. Oh yeah, it would help if Cam started playing to his potential. If those three things can happen, this team is going to be a serious contender down the stretch. Right now though, they are just another pretender trying to fake it until they make it.
8.Gastineau (2-2): Another team that is tough to rank. I can see them as high as number 4. His love for the Jets have to make me wonder if he will ride roll with his boys regardless of the consequences in the W-L department. He should see a major boost when Percy returns, but until then his WR core remains strong being anchored by AJ Green and Jordy ‘ Gay Name’ Nelson. Of all the rankings, I feel like this one is the most suspect, but I am too tired to move him up higher at this point. If he gets a W this week he will most likely make a significant jump.
9.½ Man, ½ Amazing (2-2): John is upset with his Ranking. He feels his team is better than his record indicates, or at least better than my team who is currently ranked higher. Wins talk, whining walks. Get the W’s and the ranking will follow. At least his first 2 picks in the draft are producing. Or not. That should be viewed as a positive because when they wake up, and his receivers start playing to their potential ( I am looking at you, Fitz and Torrey), this team could be waiting to explode. No way I move him higher until I see it though. Right now his team is literally ½ Wins, ½ Losses.
10.Irish Bastards (1-3): Luck be a Bastarrrrrrrrrd, tonight. Probably the most unlucky team to date, even though he pulled out a miracle victory last week. First it was Jo Dunbar going from starter to Street Clothes, then Barky Mingo crushing a lung, and then some other unlucky shit I am probably forgetting….anyway, he has only been able to muster a single win despite putting up 450+ almost every game. He has the Frozen Tundra up next, and if he can’t pull away with a win he will fall to 1-4 overall, and 0-3 in what looks to be the toughest division early on. It might be too early to call it a must-win, but let’s face it, if he has championship aspirations this year he will need a W or look to start rebuilding for 2015. If he can get the win, he is right back in the thick of it.
11.Beatdown (2-2): Better late than never I suppose, but the resulting 266 score crushed his average score and resulted in his second L of the year. This is the Big Boy league Son, let’s get our head in the game mmmmnkay?
12.Beardogs (0-4): This could be a long season for the Beardogs, maybe even a rebuilding year. The Tom Brady and Geno Atkins picks are really coming back to haunt this team, at least thru 4 games. WR also has to be a concern with Reggie Wayne and Anquan Boldin set to receive their AARP cards next year ….. if Aaron Dobson would just straighten up his routes, he might be able to catch Tom Brady’s inaccurate passes.

Scoring updated after each game

In case you guys haven’t noticed, the scoring is getting updated after the 1 o’clock games. Not exactly live scoring yet, but its a hell of a lot better and a step closer. Rankings coming soon, possibly tonight but tomorrow at the latest. you guys really need to accept the invite I sent to be a contributor if you want to make comments that don’t have to wait for me to approve.

Week 2 Rankings and awards

Shula Award: West Virginia HellBenders: He gained 7 spots in the rankings put up a monster week to answer his critics.

Kotite Award: Titillating Tampanians. Clearly his team has too big of a head from their week one win. They were not focused on their week 2 opponents and the price was severe.

1) Fitchburg (2-1): What a rebound from an unfortunate week one loss. Led by Ju-Ju-Julio, Shady McCoy, Luke and a pair of Packer fatties, he was able to go 2-0 against former league 10 alumni- Daytrippers and Franky Blanks. His QBs remain the weakness of the team, but the progress of DeAndre Hopkins seems to be benefiting Schaub. He was also able to capitalize on the poor performances of the rest of his division, sitting alone in first place after 3 games.
2) Nipples for Days (2-1): Although he dropped off nearly 100 points from last week, he still was able to put up over 490 points, good enough to maintain the second highest average in the league. Victor Cruz, AP and Stafford were expected, but the surprising play of DeAndre Levy and LaRon Landry, the NFL current tackle leader, have been the difference. Had he not got humped by the Humpers, he could have made it through the weekend undefeated but 2-1 and tied for first place will have to do for now.
3) Daytrippers (2-1): Survived a 2 point week from the SF QB who’s name I can’t spell, partially due to 45 points by Alterraun Verner, a 50 spot from Jimmy Graham and 35 from Chandler Jones, brother of UFC champion Jonny Bones Jones and product of the greater Binghamton NY area. We produce monsters…..oh, back to Clapp’s team. The guy Calvin what’s his face is pretty good too.
4) Husky Humpers (2-1): What a fool, he benched Vick this week, hahaha….oh, wait, what? Rogers put up 87? Uhhhh, nevermind. Desean Jackson is having a career start under this revamped offense and the Husky Humper is reaping the rewards. He put up 520+ points this week and butt humped his completion; taking his record to 2-0 and get right back into the title chase. If he wants to contend, 12 points total from his entire D-Line is not going to cut it.
5) Hellbenders (2-1): If we had a comeback player of the week, Hellbenders would win hands down. After putting up a down right laughable week one performance, Mario Williams carried this team on his back, putting up a retarded 70 points at DE due to a 4.5 sack performance. Dez looked like the beast we thought he was, but Cam Newton and the Panthers tremendously conservative offense must have the HellBenders wondering how good his Franchise QB really is. Regardless, he is 2-1 after a 2-0 week and is right where he needs to be.
6) Franky Blanks (2-1): He and Irish Bastards seems to be the most consistent teams early on, staying around the 450 mark each week. Marked by many solid performances and no great ones, this team is waiting for the Gronk to return to solidify his offense. However, the play and recent injury to Ray Rice has him concerned about a position he confident in coming out the draft. If Miami continues to feed Mike Wallace the ball like they did in week 2, this teams WR core could be a surprising top 3 unit. The battle with Daytrippers in week 3 looms large on Franky Blanks mind.
7) Beatdown (2-1): He put up a solid showing with 458 points and that was good enough to split the week. Matt Ryan and Beast Mode put up huge points, but Aaron Rogers and Desean Jacksons performances were too much to overcome as he also go Humped. He seems to be contrarian in the lineup department, as he is the only team to run a 4-3 defense, and also the only team to start a TE and FB at the same time. At 2-1, his early results are positive.
8) Tampanians (1-2): I just want to let the league know that Tampanians was so intoxicated by their week one performance, he said he didn’t see how it was possible for him to score less than 500. Proving to be no Nostradamus, his team promptly fell off a cliff and posted a whopping 381 points, causing his average to plummet. I am not sure what to make of this team just yet, other than it doesn’t look to be the model of consistency. He no longer is answering his phone with the greeting “ 640” so it feels like Franky Blanks got an extra win out of this deal.
9) Gastineau (1-2): His faith in the Jets let him down as all 5 players totaled 29 points combined. Peyton was held to half his week 1 total and it resulted in a less than stellar showing and a winless week for Gastineau.
10) Irish Bastards(1-2): Won the squeaker of the week after a 3rd quarter half sack by Carlos Dunlap gave him a ONE point victory over ½ man, ½ amazing, to avoid what would have been a disastrous 0-3 start. Went 1-1 in week 2 after dropping his other week 2 game to the Hellbenders.
11) ½ Man, ½ Amazing (1-2): He lost a heartbreaker Monday night to fall to 1-2, but it’s early and he is putting on decent points. Trent Richardson getting traded to the colts should add a few points a week to the bottom line also; he had to be excited to get his star back out of that putrid offense. That said, his bark was awful loud in the preseason, I was expecting a little more than this.
12) Beardogs (0-3): The early frontrunner for the first pick in the 2014 draft. Beardogs team needs Von Miller to come back in a major way, and he needs the Real Tom Brady to please stand up. Trading away Andre Johnson for a first round pick will pay dividends in the future, but it’s hurting the Beardogs this year.

It should be noted that 3 of the bottom 4 teams are Jets fans. Tannenbaum prodigies I see.

Close games to watch tonight

We have a few games down to the wire with big implications.

The first is Irish Bastards vs 1/2 man: 1/2 man is up by 4 points and has Michael Johnson playing tonight. However, the Bastards also have Carlos Dunlap in his lineup. 2 tackles or half sack is going to be the difference here folks, plug your sphincters. It should be noted that the Bastards will fall to 0-3 with a loss, and half man will fall to 1-2.

The Husky Humper finds himself in 2 close matches.

First, he is up by 11 against Team Beatdown, who has no player remaining. The only real way he can lose is if the Cincy line scores negative points. Playing against a sack happy Steeler D, that is not completely unrealistic. It should be a shocker if Beatdown pulled the upset, but its not beyond the realm of possibility.

The closer match-up is between Nipples for Days and The Husty Humpers. Nipples have a 3 point lead and Ryan Clark going tonight, but The Humper has the 2 aforementioned Cincy Lineman. This one is gonna be real close. A win for Nipples would make him the only undefeated team remaining, while The Husky Humpers needs the win to avoid dropping to 0-2.

Week 1 Awards and Rankings

Don Shula Award: This award is given out weekly to the coach with best performance, or a gutsy call that made the difference in the game.

Rich Kotite Award: This award is given out weekly to the coach with worst performance, or a horrible call that made the difference in the game.

Week 1 Shula Award Winner: Titillating Tampanians

Week 1 Kotite Award Winner: West Virginia Hellbenders

Week 1 Rankings:

1. Titillating Tampanians (1-0) – Clearly the most complete team based on the week one results. His offensive performance was strong behind Vernon Davis, Brees, Marshall and Andre Johnson, but it was his Defense that went absolutely bonkers, led by Cam Wake and Justin Houston. He was brash in the preseason, going so far as to change his team name to The Best Team, but after beating a seasoned EF veteran in Cory Storkson week one, he has backed up those claims in week one and got the leagues attention. We’ll see if his success can continue when the spotlight is on.
2. Nipples for Days (1-0) – AP was a given to score points, but Victor Cruz and Owen Daniels combined 5 TD’s, along with strong secondary play helped Nipples for Days put up a huge week one point total and crushed the HellBenders by a margin of nearly 200 points.
3. Gastineau (1-0) – Peyton Manning coming up HUUUUUUGE with 103 points on his own, the highest point total I have ever seen at any position in my EF career. If that wasn’t enough, his WRs and LB posted above average gains. If he didnt have 2 other rookies put up huge weeks, he would be in consideration for ROY honors.
4. Fitchburg Frozen Tundra (0-1) – Seasoned vet up to his usual tactics scoring big on defense that allowed him to put up the 4th hightest point total despite having the skakiest starting QBs in the league. If McCoy and his defense keep it up, it may not matter. Bad luck has played a role in his lackluster 0-1 start as he was the highest point scorer that walked away with an L in week 1.
5. Daytrippers (1-0) – Overall a very consistent team effort. Other than Kaepernicks 73 points, no players point total jumps off the page but there also are not many weaknesses in Daytrippers line up. If CJ Spiller can get his shit together this team will be a contender.
6. Team Beatdown (1-0) – Easily posting the highest average age of any team, this veteran squad posted a very respectable score despite playing a CB out of position, and was also the only player to start both a FB and a TE. The risky move paid off when both were able to find the end zone. It wasn’t a BeatDown, but a W just the same.
7. Irish Bastards (0-1)– Start Mason foster out of position? No problem says Irish Bastards, and laughs as he posts a 37 point total after putting up 2 sacks. 452 points will get you a win a lot of weeks, but not this week. The Jamaal Charles injury has to have him concerned, this team has seen there fair share of injuries already.
8. Franky Blanks (1-0) – lackluster receiver and D Line play resulted in a sub par performance for Franky Blanks, despite Zach Brown and D Thomas both putting up huge efforts. A huge glut of talent at OB will need to be evened out for this team to compete for a title. That said, lady luck is on his side as he posted the lowest point total of all the teams that earned a week 1 win. It wasn’t pretty, but a W is a W. Easily the most active owner with 5 trades under his belt, as well as key high profile FA acquisitions in Daryl Smith, Kenbrell Thompkins and Julius Thomas.
9. Huntersville Huskiest Humper (0-1)– was not able to capitalize on easily the ballsy-est call of the day, starting Mike Vick over Aaron Rogers. Despite strong performances by D Jack and Reggie Bush, he was still not able to pull out the W due to a strong performance from the daytrippers, combined with dismal performances from the rest of his WR core, and his kicker, who posted negative points. He had to be encouraged by a strong defensive performance but at the end of the day, it was not enough to bring home the W.
10. Half Man Half Amazing (0-1) – After winning the Rex Ryan guarantee award in the preseason, he showed up week one a little flat, posting the 3 lowest point total. 2 goose eggs on the defensive side of the ball did not help, as he was apparently unaware that Morgan Burnett was inactive, which calls his dedication and preparation into question. Perhaps being in 8 leagues might be a bit much for one person to handle.
11. Florida Beardogs (0-1) – Was only able to muster 412 points despite Anquan Boldin posting the 6th highest opening day yardage total in history. He was in a close battle, but ultimately the play ( or lack there of) of Jon Bostic and early round pick Geno Atkins was the difference in the game. He will look to rebound on Thursday when Tom Brady gets the start on Thursday night against the lowly ( albeit 1-0) NY Jets, scumbags of the universe.
12. West Virginia Hellbenders (0-1) – Holy shit Jeff, I thought you played in this league before? Get ahold of yourself man and come to play next week, emmmm kay?