Week 5 Rankings – Awards coming later.

Week 5 Rankings.
Daytrippers (6-1) If I had to rank the teams during the preseason, this probably would have been the top team. After 6 weeks, he has reached that ranking. There are not many weaknesses on the leagues only one loss team. Jimmy Graham is the leagues highest Non-QB, averaging close to 40 points a game. Factor in that Cameron is averaging 25 per week, that means the daytrippers are averaging almost 65 points a week from the 2 tight ends. That is an advantage that will be hard to overcome if they can keep it up.
Hellbenders (5-2) No one loves the double weeks like the Hellbenders, and this time they capitalized again by scorching the Frozen Tundra by a 50 burger, and putting a 100 point whoopin on the Beardogs. Daryl Washington came back with a vengence putting up 58 points himself, and rookie Kenny Vaccarro continues to impress as he put up another 30 for a strong defensive performance. The bad news is the that the playoffs are only one opponent at a time, where The Benders have suffered so far. If Cam can get his shit together, or if Steve Smith would catch his touchdown passes, this team can be retardo. Speaking of retardo, Dez Bryant and Josh Gordon are starting to look like a pretty strong WR core….I bet Dez’ mom is so proud.
1/2 Man (4-3)Speaking of capitalizing on double weeks, how about 93 from the Romosexual to make Half Man the weeks highest scorer, skyrocketing his point total to #2 overall. With a weak schedule for Romo on the horizon, and Osi and Woodson playing like its 2005, this team could be in for a run. It’s good timing because of their slow start and they need to keep their foot on the gas to stay ahead of recently slumping Nipples for Days, a loss this week sends them back to half wins, half losses. For now though, they benefit the most from the new ranking system that takes points into account, vaulting to the #3 spot after their impressive week,
Blanks (5-2) Team Solid, Team Mediocre, Team Average…take your pick. Either way, this looks to be a high floor/Low Ceiling type of teams that is going to consistently score in the 450-480 range, but rarely above or below that number. Its clear that Blanks strenghts as a GM remain in the free agent market….evidenced by his questionable draft pick history, combined with a series of FA signings for players in the top 10 at their position ( Barry Church, Daryl Smith, Buster Skrine, Tracy Porter, Corey Peters and Charles Clay. The Tampanians heard they were ranked behind Franky Blanks this week and was quite outraged…but when you look at the week to week comparisons, if Tampanians and Blanks played every week, Blanks would still be 5-2, and the Tampons would be 2-5. I mean, I dont know how you can get any more clear than that. If we played every week I would wear your ass out week to week, and the numbers bear that out. No matter what happens this year, Franky loves his chances in years to come based having young start at the 3 key positions. QB, WR and LB.
Tampanians (5-2) Like the guy that dated the homecoming queen in 3rd grade, this team continues to look to the 640 point anomoly in week one as the norm, neglecting to point out that he has scored under 400 points as many times as he has scored over 500. What does that tell you? The Tampons have a consistency problem. Brandon Marshall and Andre Johnson are looking older by the play, so this team better win before the sun sets, unless of course they are counting on Quinton Patten and Josh Morgan to carry the WR core in future years. Lets face it, this team can put up points with anyone in the league on any given week, thanks to Drew Brees, Justin Houston and the pick of the rookie draft IMO, the Honey Badger….This could be the EF version of the Broncos due to their capacity to score, but also like the Broncos, the clock is ticking my friend…..Tick….Tock……Tick…..Tock. Dont fuck it up. He is the only team to have a 2 game division lead, so he has some wiggle room that the rest of us do not have at the moment, that could be huge down the stretch.
Nips for Days (4-3) The Nipples got a little chafed this weekend, going 0-2 while AP sat back hopelessly watching on his bye week. TY Hilton said he could help, but the Nipster was scared off by Richard Sherman and the supposedly vaunted Seattle D, and he and his 39 points wasted away on the bench. Still he kept it close by insane performances by #1 ranked ILB Karlos Dansby ( great Move, Miami!!), #2 DE Jared Allen and #3 ranked OLB Lance Briggs. If can get his receivers to stop playing musical games and be more consistent he will remain in contention this year.
Tundra (2-5) Oh man, this number 7 ranking might be the best thing to happen to the Melting Tundra all weekend. Not only did he go 0-2, not only is he 3rd in points but still 2-5, not only has he given up 700 more points than I or Nips for Days has (that’s 100 points per week folks.lolol), not only is his starting QB probably going to be benched….if all those things weren’t enough to make you wanna shit in your cereal when you woke up tuesday morning, but he would later find out that his priced posession, the Wondah of the Frozen Tundra, Julio Jones was lost for the season. He will be missed, but not by me, or anyone else in this league but Cory I would imagine . But as bad as it was, he is a short winning streak from being right back in it thanks to he previously mentioned 3rd highest avg points per game.
Husky Humpers (4-3) Inconsistent WR play, and the on again off again briliance of Reggie Bush has the Husky Humper in a holding pattern. Its this authors opinion that he loss of Mike Vick will actually help this team , as they will no longer need to play the QB guessing game each week, and he can just start the #1 overall pick each week like he intended when he took him that high. Strong and consitent LB play as well as the breakout season from Julius Thomas is keeping this team in the hunt as he waits for his RB and WR situation to stabilize
Gastineau (3-4) When Peyton Manning is averaging 69 points a week, he should be putting up better numbers week over week. His love of the Jets continues to hurt him in the OL category, as he continues to start 2 Jets OL a week, despite them being one of the lowest scoring teams for OL. You have to admire his loyalty though, even if it might mean he doesnt make the playoffs during the year that his QB is shattering points records. Having Rivers and his 50 point average on the bench highlights an embarasment of riches at the QB position. An aggressive owner might look to sell high on Rivers current value and increase other areas of need. AJ Green has to be a dissapointment so far, ranking 18th at the position, but anyone who has seen AJ play knows that that trend will not continue for much longer. When he gets going again, Peyton and the Jets will be hard to handle on a week to week basis. An early ROY candidate, his recent skid has put the breaks on that campaign for the time being.
Irish (2-5)At first, I just thought it was bad luck. Then, after 7 weeks, his average points is 3rd lowest in the league. Then I just realized the team is just plain bad. It looks like RGII is not going to return to his 2012 form this year, and it looks like he is postponing the success of the Bastards in the process. This is another team that might have to look to the 2014 season if they dont start racking up the W’s soon. The good news is that this team has a decent amount of young talent that should be able to keep them competitive down the road.
Beatdown(2-5) He set up a lineup, but that’s about the only good thing to say about the Beatdown this team took over the weekend. Although they are currenlty one spot ahead of the Beardogs, this team is currently playing like Bye Week Bob, not a team that hands out Beatdowns on a weekly basis. I am interested to see what his teams plans for rebuilding are, as they seem to favor gizzled veterans over unproven youth.
Beardogs (0-7) 0-7 in the Big Boy League. Not a whole lot else to say. I will say that I have played in enough fantasy leagues to know that the beardogs can turn this ship around, but I have also played long enough to know that its not going to be easy. I’m pretty sure Tom Brady would be assaulted if he was ever in the presense of the Beardogs.


Week 5 Ranking and Awards

Shula Award: Daytrippers. I mean, how can you get 2 W’s in a week that only had 1 game and NOT get his award?

Kotite Award: Team Beatdown: Explanation not required, other than setting a lineup is key to success.

Starting next week, I am going to do the rankings based on a formula that takes into both account records and points, and only when tied will opinion factor in. I have been doing that now but it has been unofficial so we will try to formalize it going forward.

1.Nipples for Days (4-1): ½ Man, ½ Amazing brings Nipples for Days into the league and how does he repay him? With a 77 point whooping in week 5, led by the league’s highest rushing total at 44 points. Outside of AP, there is nothing really flashy about this team, some even call them Vanilla for Days, but all they do is Win. NFD puts up big number every week, with seemingly a different roster each game. He has guys that no one has ever heard of (Brad Jones, anyone) putting up solid numbers week after week. After a while you have to assume it’s not beginners luck, the dude just knows how to pick ‘em. Easily the front runner for ROY honors. My hope is that this team is modeled after the 2012 Bears, who got out to a 7-1 start and failed to make the playoffs. Daaaaaa Bears.
2.Daytrippers (4-1): This is the only team to get 2 wins in one week, thanks to what will be forever dubbed ‘The Deduction’ in week 4. But nooooo, he was not satisfied there. He came storming back and clutched victory from the jaws of defeat on the back of Jimmy Graham and his 2 TD effort on Monday night, highlighting the league’s only 2 Tight End set. Beardogs was poised for the upset and his first win of the season but Clapp was having none of it, as Jimmy Graham sliced thru the Miami defenders like swiss cheese (in the Clapp Facenda voice). The Daytrippers are the 3rd highest scoring team in the league, so you can hardly call it luck, but man, this team is winning the close ones so far. Early on, The Daytrippers seems like Destiny’s child. I mean team. Destiny’s Team. The rest of the league hopes that Good Karma is finite, and this team has used all of theirs but the league’s only 2 Tight End set is putting the fear in opposing defenses. You damn sonnofabitch!!!!! I was thisclose to being 4-1 damn you!!!!!
3.Tampanians (3-2): Team Schizophrenia didn’t take their meds until Monday so they were a little down on Sunday night. The Tampanians are employing a Go Big or Go Home philosophy, where they put up big numbers or none at all. Again, I want to call out that after week one this team said they couldn’t envision ANY scenario where they would score below 500 points during any week, then averaged an unintimidating 434 points a week after that comment. Unless they plan on Justin Houston getting 5 sacks a week, this team needs to find a way to get consistent in a hurry. That said, he has the horses to put up monster weeks and when you can do that, you are always in contention. He is another contender for ROY honors due to his strong start.
4.Franky Blanks (3-2): This team found a way to overcome the hangover left by ‘The Deduction’ loss to get his record back above .500 and notch another division win in the process. Lack of production at RB and so-so production from QB is keeping holding this team down. Defense continues to this squad’s consistent scorer as they led the league in both tackles and assists in week 5. Huge contributions from FA signings Daryl Smith and Barry Church are also bolstering Franky Blanks defensive numbers. They have to be wondering if trading Julius Thomas will come back to haunt them as Gronk continues to be sidelined, leaving the team to use a patchwork of replacements in the meantime.
5.Frozen Tundra (2-3): Not a great week for the Frozen Tundra. It’s more like the Kinda Slushy Tundra at this point. This is a defensive team that relies on a few huge offensive stars and solid QB play and when those things don’t happen “you get what we had here last week, which…is the way he wants it, Well? He gets it. I don’t like it any more than you men do.” The bad news is that this teams QB situation is worse by the week. The good news is that if he can upgrade at that position he will be a force to be reckoned with due to his consistent high level of play on the defensive side of the ball. At 2-3 though, he took a fall in the rankings this week, falling 3 spots to 5th overall
6.Gastineau (2-3): Peyton and the Jets lost a heartbreaker, after Drew Brees exploded on Monday night 77 points, leading to a near 150 comeback effort by the Tampanians. As long as Peyton, AJ and the Forte/Foster combo continue to drive this offense, they will be a threat each week. Antonio Gates resurgence and the Percy Harvin’s return from IR will only make this team that much more potent on offense, and their defensive numbers are among the league leaders also. Despite being 2-3, this team looks solid across the board and should be a contender down the stretch.
7.Husky Humpers (3-2): Mike Vick couldn’t produce his usual numbers, he got 18 points from his receivers and Reggie Bush blew up on his bench, that pretty much sums up Week 5 for Triple H. He produced a sub 400 score and that is not going to get it done most weeks. Anchored by solid Linebackers and a great QB combo that has to create weekly headaches, this team looks to rebound in week 6 to keep up with Daytrippers and keep the division title in his sights, but his 1-2 division record needs to improve.
8.½ Man, ½ Amazing (2-3): He has to be disappointed in the loss after getting 30 from Torrey Smith and a whopping 33 from Nate freaking Washington. He cannot be upset at his 473 point total, which is a solid effort, but when you play the top ranked team you need to come stronger than that, as he found out. RB, DE and CB all put up disappointing numbers in week 5 and John was not able to get over the 500 mark for the first time all season. This team needs a big week 6 to try and double up his win total for the year.
9.Hellbenders (3-2): How to you get a W on the week you put up a league low in points? You play a guy who didn’t set a lineup. It counts as a W, but also earns him the lowest ranking of any team with a winning record. The Hellbenders put up either the highest point total, or lowest point totals each week. They make Tampanians scoring changes look moderate. The potential is definitely there for this team, but you really have no idea what you are going to get from week to week. Starting Patrick Willis, who was clearly labeled inactive before the game, didn’t bolster his puny 373 points, making him the only player in week 5 to fall below the 400 point mark. Congrats on that.
10.Irish Bastards (2-3): The 4th lowest scoring total of the week is not going to move you up in the ranking, especially when you have a losing record in a tough division. This team is going to go where RGII goes, so until he starts putting up 2012 numbers this team could struggle to put up huge points…and it definitely doesn’t help that Drew Brees continues to favor every Saints receiver not named Colston. The good play of Charles and Wes Welker keeping this team in the race, but they need help quickly if he wants to make a serious run at the 2013 League Title.
11.Beardogs (0-5): Fast becoming Americas Underdog, who doesn’t want to see the Beardogs get their first Big Boy victory? They were so close, only to have Jimmy Graham crush their hopes on Monday night. With 2 first round picks on the docket for 2014, this team is going to start looking to next year if a few more losses pile up. The good news is that Tom Brady is looking like his old self and should have his weapons return. It also helps that Geno Atkins has been spotted alive and Von Miller is gonna be back soon. I have a feeling that the teams who played Beardogs early got a break on the timins, as I am sure this team will be better in the second half of the season. That said, they are still 0-5, and that is not good for the league’s most research intensive owner.
12.Beatdown (2-3): He lost to a team that put up 373 points. How does that happen? You don’t set a lineup, that’s how. This team has failed to set a lineup 2 weeks in a row and has the entire league concerned so they are officially on double secret probation. In all seriousness, you need to set a lineup or you will force us to make uncomfortable decisions for the betterment of the league that no one wants to make. Come on man, it’s not too late to turn it around since half the league is 2-3 along with you. If you have any questions on how to use the site just call me and I can help. My number is on the league info page of the site.